Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Manchurian Candidate Goes to Toastmasters

The following is a transcript from a secret experiment performed on U.S. Prisoners of War by the Chinese government's Chapter of Toastmaster International during the Korean War.

Please note: Denzel Washington was not harmed during the production of this blog.

Bennett Marco: Raymond Shaw is, uh, is kind of like a really great person, you know?

Bennett's Toastmaster Evaluator: That's very good, Bennett. But I feel like you aren't really telling us much with your language. And you're grimacing again. Remember what we said about grimacing?

Bennett Marco: You said you would kill me or someone I loved if I grimaced again?

Evaluator: That's right, Bennett! Good! Now try it again, but really try to grab my attention with something. Say something shocking that grabs my attention before you start to tell me about Raymond Shaw.

Bennett: Okay, here goes. Arm pits! Raymond Shaw is, uh, a really great guy who...

Evaluator: Stop right there. That's better, but I was thinking, though, that the shocking introduction might actually pertain to the subject. In this case, the subject is Raymond Shaw specifically. Can you tell me something shocking about Raymond Shaw, Bennett?

Bennett: I don't like Raymond Shaw.

Evaluator: Now, I agree that would be shocking, but it would really undermine the point of our speech, wouldn't it? What's the point of our speech, Bennett?

Bennett: To fool the world into thinking that Richard Shaw is an okay guy and should be President.

Evaluator: Oops, Bennett, you said "Richard Shaw". I think you meant to say...

Bennett: Oops. I meant Raymond Shaw. Raymond. Please don't kill anyone.

Evaluator: Not to worry, Bennett. This is exactly why we like to rehearse these sorts of things. I'll tell you what. Let's play pretend. Let's pretend that you do like Raymond Shaw. Tell me, in your own words, what would you say to the audience if you were trying to convince them that Raymond Shaw is the best President that the United States will ever have?

Bennett: I would say I was crazy, because no one is better than Truman.

Evaluator: Okay, we're still playing pretend. Let's pretend that Raymond Shaw is even better than Harry Truman. Now what do you tell the audience?

Bennett: I'd say, "Fellow Toastmasters and honored guests, Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life!"

Evaluator: Excellent! Excellent! I think you are ready for the District Humorous Speech Contest!

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